Fanfiction
by mida malek
Summary: Dean ends up reading about himself and Sammy on fanfictions. (This is a very sad, very triggering fic. Stay away if you must.)


This was mainly written just to let out my dark thoughts. These are mostly MY thoughts about my baby and i Dean and Sam are just the safest way for me to let out all this...

Dean looked up from the screen with red puffy eyes as soon as Sam entered the room, not even trying to hide the evidence of his crying-like-a-damn-baby-session. And if that wasn't enough to get Sam worried, Dean fell into a whole new set of sobbing as soon as his eyes fell on his little brother.

"Hey.. Hey hey hey Dean! Dean what's the matter?" Sam ran to his brother's side, trying to get Dean's hands off his sobbing face.

"Dean come on man you're freaking me out what's wrong?" Sam tried again as Dean just shook his head and cried even harder, trying to push Sam off of him and holding on to Sam at the same time which was just the last straw.

"Talk to me, goddammit!" Sam snapped, worried sick to his stomach because Dean never cries like this. He didn't even cry like this after hell. Sam didn't want to know what could possibly turn his brother to this sobbing mess.

Dean wasn't answering though. It looked like he couldn't answer honestly even if he wanted to.

The fast sobs leaving his mouth barely let him breathe much less talk.

Sam waited, he waited trying to calm his brother down, running a soothing hand up and down his back like Dean always did when they were kids and Sam would have a breakdown session like this.

Finally after what seemed like a life time, Dean started attempting to talk. At first Sam couldn't make out a damn word but slowly it became clear to him what Dean was saying.

"'M sorry Sammy...so sorry...sorry ..so sorry Sammy..."

Again and again and again Dean kept apologizing for something Sam had no idea about.

"Shhh its OK Dean... Calm down and tell me whats up hm?"

Sam tried again and this time, Dean nodded once and tried to take deep breaths, calming his sobs down enough so he could talk.

"L-look at these...a-all these s-stories on y-you and me...they write all these f-fanfics on how I always t-take c-care of you...on how I always p-put you first and how I...how I never do anything to hurt you... And S-Sammy... It's … it's true that I love you but I'm... I've failed...I… I let you die… I l-let you get h-hurt so many times S-Sam I just..." Dean fell into another set of sobbing and this time Sam knew what it was about...

Sam says he's forgiven Dean...

He keeps telling Dean that it's OK, that he's always done his best and that Sam never really blamed him for anything and if he did he forgave Dean a long time ago.

But Dean can't scratch the itch under his skin. It's like there is this reminder, this voice screaming in his head every time he looks at Sam or thinks about everything he read.

He doesn't know if he loves the people who write about Sam and Dean and their "relationship" or hates them.

It's good to know so many people care about their love and feelings more than the fact that they're brothers fucking each other.

But then again it's creepy to know they write about them having sex or...

It makes him want to die, the fact that everyone seemed to notice how he felt for Sam and how he was supposed to act except for himself.

Sure he always tried to save Sam, and he always thought he's done his best but reading the stories from Sam's perspective, he realizes how many times he's hurt his baby brother during all that...

So he fakes.

He tells Sam it's OK, that he's past the panic attack, that he will be fine, and he smiles at his little brother. He smiles at Sammy, because then he gets to see those dimples one last time. He takes Sam out for dinner, because then they get to fight over the menu and salads and burgers and heart attacks one last time.

He lets Sammy drive back because he gets to see the focused look on his baby's face one last time.

He wants to kiss him...

Dean wants to make love to his little Sammy one last time...so he does.

He takes his time with Sam this time around...

He kisses Sam's body, head to toes, toes to head... He worships his little boy... He let's his lips linger on every scar, let's his mind tell him where Sammy got it... He kisses the identical to his tattoo on Sam's chest...

He whispers little 'I love you's and 'I'm sorry's on his skin, knowing every scar is there because of a second when Dean failed in his job. He knows very well how many seconds now, he can count all the times that his mistakes got Sammy hurt...

And the big mistakes haven't even left a mark on Sam's skin. He wants to reach inside and kiss his soul better...

He tells that to Sammy, for the first time in his life not giving a damn about how girly that sounds. Where he's going it doesn't matter if he talked to his brother like a girl or not...

"Dean...what has gotten into you tonight?" Sam replies breathlessly, his pupils wide and blown as he looks up at his brother, too blissed out to notice the tears in Dean's eyes.

"I just want to remember every inch of you Sammy... Wanna worship your body and soul like you deserve it...like I should have done all this time..."

It pisses Dean off when he thinks about how he never did this, never even thought of it before he read the fics. It makes his blood boil with anger, with hatred towards himself.

All at himself.

"Well...whatever it is, Dean Winchester, I think I like it!" Sam smiles at his big brother and Dean is so far gone. He feels his heart beat so hard that it makes his chest ache.

Ache with the need to be closer to Sam.

To have more of him.

Dean takes a shaky breath before he leans down, kissing Sam once and smiles.

"Sammy...?" He starts, knowing this will raise questions.

"Yeah?" Sam replies, knowing he'd give Dean anything he asked for at the moment. Seeing his brother break apart like that reminded him just how sensitive Dean really is.

"I want you... I need you to take control tonight baby... I need you to...I need to feel you inside me Sammy..." Dean breathes out, already flushed deep red at the look Sam throws at him.

"Dean...? Are you sure you're OK?" Sam reaches up, caressing Dean's cheeks.

"Yeah Sammy...never been better...just wanna feel you filling me Sammy...need you..."Dean leans into the palm on his cheek, letting himself feel loved just one last time.

"Alright yeah...yeah I can do that Dean..." Sam finally smiles, kissing Dean as they trade places.

Dean lets Sam prep and stretch open his virgin hole, lets his brother lick and finger him open, and he moans loudly for him, he lets Sammy know exactly what he's doing to Dean. By the time Sam hits his prostate, Dean is cursing himself inwardly for never have trying this before...

For never letting himself be so full, so filled with Sam.

All Sam…

Just Sam…

He brings Sam down for a heated war of their tongues when Sam finally pushes inside him, bites and moans and whimpers and begs for Sammy as he gets used to the feeling and tells Sam to move.

He's sure he's never had a better orgasm in his damn life.

Best way to go if you ask him.. He has the best last night with his brother he could possibly ask for.

Later that night, when he's cleaning himself in the shower, and he can still feel his Sammy inside him, he tries to decide if he wants to leave Sam a note or not. Sam already knows everything...

Should Dean even...?

He finally decides on a short note.

The only few words he's ever needed to tell Sammy.

"I'm so sorry Sammy... I love you … I love you too much to stay and hurt you any more than this...I won't put you through another 30 years of pain with me. I'm setting you free baby boy..."

He leaves the note on his bed, makes sure everything is in its place, before he leaves the room, going to the garage, sitting behind the wheels of his baby.

He knows he owes is to the car, one last goodbye.

He takes a deep breath, inhaling the smell of Sam and whiskey and leather and oil and his dad and just...home.

Everything that was ever home to Dean...

He smiles sadly, letting his fingers linger on the names he and Sam carved into the car...

Sam and Dean Winchester...

It's ironic to Dean, how even in the books, Sam's name always came before Dean's.

Everyone knows that little fact, Sam always comes first...

"Goodbye Sammy..." is Dean's last words as he pulls the trigger and he doesn't feel the tear leaving his eyes as the bullet enters his skull.

By the time Sam finds his brother, panicked and worried out of his brain, Dean is far gone, looking too peaceful to be alive.

Sam never forgives Dean...


End file.
